Because I always feel the need to explain myself, I'll give you some of my struggles:
*stage fright. I meet people and they say they read my blog. I'm flattered. Yet it scares me. They already have formed an opinion of me, without actually hearing the flow of my words and the different inflections of my voice. Were the words a song? Was it off key? Or perfect pitch? That is scary. And still flattering.
*I've made people feel things that I never meant them to. Including being offended. I hate that. In a I-can't-get-past-it kind of way. Seriously. I've tried. And I can't. I find myself avoiding topics because of it. Leaving this blog as a less than authentic piece of me. A place to post the names of good books, recipes and not much more.
*writing, to me, is therapeutic. I take my anger and put it into words. Black and white. And I let it stew in virtual space. And when I'm ready, I delete it into oblivion. And that ugliness in me goes with it. Usually. You don't see it. Would I really want to show you that side of me? Nah.
*and I don't share with you how gorgeously delicious I find my husband to be. Or any of the things he does for me, lest you think I'm bragging. I would be. You might think I'm trying to convince you of something. Even though I wouldn't be. I used to think that about people, but I don't now. Okay. Maybe sometimes.
*I want to be more personal. I want to record my life and I want to remember, ten years down the road, how I felt on this day. And I'm sort of left with the fact that maybe what I actually need is a diary. Not a for-all-to-see diary. A just-for-me-to-see diary. And maybe my husband and kids.
*I read other people's blogs and love their words. And wish I had thought of them. A part of me realizes that we all have different words. Our own style of words. Just because mine are different isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, come on? Who can compare to some of these bloggers? Seriously?!
Yet. I have gained so much with this blog. A sharing of myself. Insight from you. A network of blogging friends, that I otherwise wouldn't have had. A network of blogging friends. The biggest gain, by far. I really truly enjoy it.
You see where I'm going with this? I'm not bringing this up to eek a pep talk out of you or gain a compliment. I'm just trying to explain this inner battle I've had and if some day you try to pop onto my blog and it's not there, you will know why. You'll know which side won. Or continues to win. Maybe I should have explained this a long time ago, I'm already starting to feel better.
Sigh. There I go again. I wish I was a decisive person.
16 comments:
I think I would cry if I went to this blog and it was gone.
I say tell us all. I love hearing from other people about their lives..what they are doing...especially friends.
Kristy
funny - I was just thinking some of your same thoughts yesterday.
I was wishing that I could really tell all on my blog, but I don't. I don't out of respect for my kid's privacy, and other reasons.
I tell the funny stuff, and some of the daily - but I can't share the meat of it all. that's tough - but realistic. Because it's not just me.
I like what you do share - don't quit. :)
Gotcha.
It's hard to give yourself permission to have a bad or opinionated day on a blog. It's much more permanent than in real life and more visible than a diary. (I delete posts all the time. I almost deleted yesterday's (far too emotional when I wrote it) and thank heavens I didn't!)
I admit that when I read your blog, I often wish that I had thought of your words. :)
Yes, we all struggle with these same thoughts. But I will say this: I think you're a funny chica and I've never met you!
I agree with the whole blog struggle, as it's a struggle for me and I don't write everything that I'd like to for fear of people taking it the wrong way or people forming an opinion about me who don't even know me. But whatevs, you do a good job and keep it up! :)
Kristy- it's really easy to say "tell all". But to actually do it takes guts.
Sharyn- coming from a very consistent blogger, that means a lot.
Julie- I'm flattered. I only half believe you, tho.
Amanda- Well, thanks. I wasn't looking for flattery. I'm trying my darndest to be honest.
Kari- I'm glad you understand and agree. It is hard, isnt' it?
I just quit blogging when I don't feel like blogging. I think it's easy to put pressure on ourselves when we know there are people out there reading. But over the past year or so, I've just taken little breaks when I don't feel like I have anything to write about. When our lives have been too stressful, I take short breaks or find very light posting material to write about so I can breeze through it.
It's hard to feel like we have to censor bits and pieces of ourselves. I feel the same way. I don't put everything out there about my kids and our day to day lives in order to keep some form of privacy with all this.
Blogging is so great for the connections it creates, both IRL and on-line. I love connecting with you on here and hope you don't quit. You have a great way of writing and you're always cracking me up.
~ Jennifer
You've read my struggle w/whether to keep blogging or not. I flip/flop frequently. I've gotten personal at times, but usually just about me. I (try) to keep it to broader observations otherwise. It does keep me viewing my life from somewhere else when I think about what to blog about.
A couple of weeks ago I printed the first 6 months of my blog into a book, and it is really fun to have. Better than a photo album or a diary. I just deleted all the boring posts that didn't say much before I had it printed.
Then I brought it to the neighbors so they could read it.
I admire your honesty. I take a lot of risks, and I understand there are consequences for that, but I wouldn't change it. The beauty of a blog is that it can be *whatever* you want it to be. I love reading it and your thoughts. I'm sorry you struggle with content...I hope you find a way to keep the blog and be okay with the subject of your posts. Love you!
Another thought- I think sharing the struggles are what makes it a really interesting read : ) I also think if you write what you think or feel, other people can choose to be offended or not. You can't control that.
Here is an idea for you: I have never been to the area that you live in now. Highlight some of what is around there, or what is different there versus other places you've lived. Give us a feel. Geographically, culturally. Road signs, grocery store chains, etc. What is different in the state of MI vs. NM vs. MN.
I agree with wondering how someone is going to take what you write...for the record to the person that thought I was really fed up with my kids when I posted a post, I NEVER post when I'm mad. I'm sarcastic. I write the sassy things they do and the funny things they do so I will remember down the road...and so I can remind Larry that his kids are just like his Mom said he was. So not a trait of mine;) But, I don't write too much personal stuff, or at least the things that aren't publicly known. But...I am who I am and if people want to read and come back to my blog, then I hope that they are reading because they enjoy my blog and accept who I am and not coming back to judge me.
Whatever you decide to do, I'm so glad you blogged in the first place for otherwise I don't know if I'd ever had gotten to know you...and who would we call for spelling words on the night before a test?!
well, i for one, have benefitted from your blog. i look forward to meeting with you irl, and you are part of the blogworld that has filled a void for me, so even if you quit right now, you have made an impact, sister. thank you for your words!
i share so much of my emotions and my struggles as well as my elation and joys. i worry what people will think of me, that they will think i am a big drag or self-absorbed. maybe i am, but writing is helpful for me, and i appreciate the practice.
JJ-Well, thank you!
Jan- you always have great suggestions. Thank you.
Leanne- Thanks. I know I've unloaded on you before about this. As always, thanks for your ear.
Sue- We see who the better mom is- you. I didn't even know what day they had a spelling test! Whoops. It is fun to get to know you.
E- Your blog is one of my all time faves because of your openness and honesty. I want to be you.
Thank you all for your understanding, my dear blogging network. You rock.
At least keep posting good gooey cookie bar recipes!
Annu
I just know that I'm so happy to be able to come here and still feel connected to you. You are missed in NM more than you could possibly know!
Ami
Ami-
Awww, that is so sweet. It tugged my heartstrings. I miss NM and all the people so much. I am a better person for knowing y'all.
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